DR.
VIRGINIA EADES, PH.D. - Individual, Marital and Family Therapy
www.DrVEades.com Emotional Wellness Matters Newsletter
Ph: (636) 527-3500
Overcoming
Shyness and Social Anxiety
Ask
people what they fear the most and many of them will say, "speaking in
public." In surveys which ask people about their fears, about one person
in five reports an extreme fear of public speaking. Shyness and other
forms of social anxiety are common - and they prevent people from fully
experiencing life.
Shyness
refers to a tendency to withdraw from people, particularly people who
are unfamiliar. Everyone has some degree of shyness. In fact a person
without any shyness at all is probably one who does not make good judgments
about maintaining appropriate boundaries between people. A bit of shyness
is a good thing. But when a high level of shyness prevents a person from
engaging in normal social interactions, from functioning well at work,
or from developing intimate relationships, it presents a problem - which,
fortunately, can be alleviated.
Shyness
is one form of the broader term, social anxiety. This concept,
also known as social phobia, refers to a special kind of anxiety that
people feel when they are around other people. It is associated with concerns
about being scrutinized. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related,
but social anxiety includes other situations such as speaking in public,
taking tests, sports performance, and dating. Closely related to the concepts
of shyness and social anxiety are embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment
is what a person feels when something unexpected happens and draws unwanted
attention (such as knocking over a glass of water in a restaurant). This
creates a temporary feeling of discomfort. Shame, on the other hand, is
more long-lasting. Shame is a feeling that comes from being disappointed
in oneself.
Who
are the people most likely to suffer from social anxiety? Parents recognize
that some children are easily frightened from birth on and cry a great
deal, while others seem more resilient by temperament (they seldom cry,
hardly ever get upset, and are less easily frightened). Some children
love to explore the world around them, and others are cautious and don't
tolerate change well. Children who are inhibited are more likely to have
a parent with social anxiety disorder. An anxious person is more likely
to have a parent or sibling who suffers from depression. Many people with
social anxiety disorder report having one or both parents who have a substance
abuse problem such as drinking or come from a family in which:
- there is substantial conflict between
the adults,
- parents
are overly critical of the children (where things are never good enough),
- there
is excessive concern about what other people think
National
surveys find that about five percent of children and adolescents suffer
from a social anxiety disorder. Children with an anxiety problem seldom
report that they are feeling anxious. Instead, they report the presence
of physical symptoms, which include: headaches, stomach aches, nausea,
rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, blushing, dizziness, and shortness of breath.
They try to avoid the following situations: speaking in class, taking
tests, reading aloud, writing on the board, inviting friends over to play,
eating in front of others, going to parties, and playing sports. Children
and adolescents with social anxiety disorder may go on to develop related
problems, such as loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Although
some children will overcome their shyness in time, as interactions with
others cause their fears to dissipate, others will experience a worsening
of symptoms. If a child shows symptoms by the age of six that have not
improved by the age of ten, it is probably time to seek a professional
intervention.
Defeating
Social Anxiety
There
are three stages that people experience in overcoming problems with social
anxiety:
- Identify
the patterns of anxiety
- Change
the thinking that accompanies anxiety-provoking situations
-
Change the anxious behavior
People
often see the distressful symptoms of social anxiety as their enemy, so
they try to avoid thinking about it. In order to overcome social anxiety,
however, it is necessary to "embrace" the anxiety. That is, sufferers
need to identify the features of their anxiety and acknowledge these characteristics
as their own. When people fully understand a problem, they are better
able to cope with it. Shutting out the problem, on the other hand, keeps
it in the dark where it is difficult to work with.
Identifying
the Patterns
People
often become aware of anxiety by identifying their physical reactions,
which include a racing heartbeat, flushing, upset stomach, excessive perspiration,
dizziness, poor concentration, and shaky hands. It is important to understand
whether these physical reactions take place before (anticipatory anxiety),
during, or after the anxiety-provoking situation.
Some
people cope with anxiety by engaging in avoidance behavior. This
happens when the person tries to stay away from situations that arouse
anxiety. This is helpful in some circumstances, such as avoiding driving
during rush hour. However, when the person starts to avoid business meetings,
taking classes, and socializing with friends because of anxiety, the impact
on one's lifestyle can be constricting. A related symptom of anxiety is
escape behavior, which involves leaving a situation that arouses
anxiety. This can include running out of a class when the time to speak
is near, leaving a party shortly after arriving, or exiting the airplane
before it departs.
A
helpful exercise, after examining one's physical reactions and other behaviors
associated with anxiety, is to set goals which would be achievable if
the anxiety were not present. These goals should be specific. For example,
- Enroll in a music class next month
- Make a date with Bonnie for lunch next
Thursday
- Make
a presentation at the next business meeting
Establishing
these goals increases one's awareness of what life could be like if the
anxiety were conquered - and it serves as a motivator for coming to terms
with anxiety. If the goals are actually achieved, the stage is set for
practicing some behaviors that directly address symptoms of anxiety.
The
anxiety sufferer is acutely aware of physical symptoms, much more so than
other people are. There are a number of tactics one can use to influence
these symptoms:
Accepting
the symptoms -
when a person fights against the symptoms, anxiety actually increases.
A better strategy is simply to accept the symptoms. Don't fight them.
Just let them pass.
Changing
one's focus -
Shift your attention to the external environment rather than focusing
on the symptoms.
Masking
the symptoms - This
provides a temporary way of getting through an anxiety-provoking situation
until the symptoms come under better control. For example, wear a sweater
to hide underarm perspiration.
Learning
relaxation techniques - A
therapist can provide a number of ways to get one's body to relax, including
deep muscle relaxation and deep breathing. Practicing these techniques
everyday, and not just prior to an anxiety situation, is a powerful way
to regulate symptoms that now seem out of control.
Changing
the Thoughts which Accompany Anxiety
Those
who suffer from social anxiety engage in excessive self-focus. Their thoughts
focus internally on themselves rather than on the external world around
them - and this only serves to increase anxiety levels. Furthermore, excessive
focus on the internal symptoms means that one loses important information
about what is going on externally, and it may give others the impression
that the anxiety sufferer is trying to be distant from them.
The
following process provides a way to modify excessive self-focus and replace
it with a healthier, other-directed approach -
• When feeling anxious, remind yourself to focus on others.
• Think about the other person, what this person is trying to say,
how the other person feels, etc.
• If your attention moves back to your anxiety, try not to feel that
you are failing, Just let it pass and refocus on the other person.
• Try to avoid planning your responses to the other person. Allow
yourself to have some spontaneous reactions to others.
• Try not to engage in mind-reading - that is, trying to figure out
what other people are thinking about you. They are probably much more
interested in themselves.
Socially
anxious people also engage in negative thinking, especially about themselves.
They emphasize their weaknesses and minimize their strengths. Virtually
any negative thought can be changed into a positive. For example, "I am
a failure because of my anxiety" can be changed into "I am facing a life
challenge to show how strong I can be as I overcome my anxiety."
The
first step in overcoming negative thoughts is to be aware of them. It
helps to have a trusted friend or therapist give you feedback about negative
thinking patterns. Then ask yourself how realistic the negative thought
might be. For example, "If my hands shake during my presentation, everybody
is going to laugh at me." Have you ever been in an audience where everybody
laughed at a person whose hands were shaking? Not likely. In fact, people
tend to support a person having a hard time - and they may be drawn to
your vulnerable and very human nature. Now ask yourself, what evidence
do you have for your negative thought? Can the situation be looked at
in a different way?
Change
the Anxious Behavior
The
single most important strategy for overcoming social anxiety is to face
your fear. Get back on the horse again. Take the car out for a drive once
more. Go swimming again. Get back on an airplane. Give another speech
before an audience. Go to another dinner party. Ask somebody else to go
out on a date. Managing your physical symptoms and changing your thinking
do little good unless you come to terms with your fears by getting back
into anxiety-provoking situations. Doing this takes courage. Avoiding
it perpetuates the problem.
When
you put yourself back into the anxious situation, realize that there are
coping mechanisms that you may not have had before. You know that you
can change your negative thinking and you can manage your physical symptoms.
And facing the anxious situations can be done gently, one step at a time.
First,
develop some practice assignments that directly challenge your fears.
Make sure they are relevant to the anxiety. Make the assignments increasingly
more difficult. And make sure that you can repeat them for practice. For
example, if you fear public speaking, start out with making conversation
with one person. Then move on to talking to a group of two or three people.
Then talk to five people in an informal group. Move on to asking a question
in a formal business meeting. Then talk at more length in the business
meeting. And finally, after you have repeated all of these steps several
times, find a way to speak in public to a large group. You'll be ready
- and it takes courage, each step of the way.
Develop
Your Conversational Skills
Anyone
can master the art of having good conversations with others. Those who
are shy or socially anxious may see this as an unattainable goal, but
with enough practice, and using the right techniques, it can enhance the
quality of social life.
The
first skill to acquire is making eye contact. Shy people may avoid
eye contact at all costs, but this perpetuates self-focus and anxiety.
When you are listening to someone else, maintain steady eye contact with
that person. If you are doing the talking, vary your eye contact - that
is, have eye contact about half the time, and then look away for a few
seconds. (Note, however, that different cultures have different rules
for eye contact.) Also understand the value of smiling, which is
a nonverbal cue that you are approachable and interested in talking to
the other person.
Learn
the value of good listening. The other half of conversation, and
it is perhaps as important as talking, is playing the role of listener.
Allow other people to complete their thoughts. Encourage the other person
to talk by maintaining good eye contact, using gestures such nodding your
head in agreement, and making supportive comments or asking brief questions.
People
who are shy frequently say that they cannot go up to another person to
start a conversation. This represents avoidance. Start out by initiating
as many brief interactions throughout the day as possible. Smile and say
hello when you pass someone. Tell the postal worker or grocery checkout
person to have a good day. Make a comment in the elevator, such as, "Isn't
this perhaps the slowest elevator in the world?" Before long, making the
initial contact will seem easy.
Finally,
learn the value of small talk. Many shy people say that they don't
want to waste their time on trivial talk - or they also say they don't
know what to talk to other people about. It is important to understand,
however, that people need the small talk before moving onto heavier topics.
Small talk can comprise anything from commenting on the weather to griping
about the price of housing. In order to avoid conflict, however, it is
best to dodge talking about religion or politics - at least initially.
This
Emotional Wellness Newsletter Volume X, Number 1 is intended to offer
general information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ
from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within
a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of
the problems. ©2002 Simmonds Publications: 5580 La Jolla Blvd., #306,
La Jolla, CA 92037
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